TJ - 2

 

 

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

 

 

The next morning,

I was told I could have a blood transfusion or I could go home and stay on bed rest for 2 weeks and take an iron supplement.

I chose to go home.

This was a special day and I needed to be home with my family.

6 years before, we welcomed our littlest peanut to our family.

Sarah was born almost 7 weeks premature.

She was only 4 lbs, but she was a tough cookie.

Only 12 days in the NICU before we got to take her home.

I wanted to get home and spend the day with her. Celebrate our little blessing.

I tried to focus on Sarah.

 

But the doctor was right.

I was exhausted. I couldn't even go upstairs to my bedroom without panting.

It was kind of hard to go into my room at first. That's where our little TJ was born.

(We named him TJ for Thomas Junior. Tom kept calling him Junior.)

I wanted to go out and buy him a cross to put at his grave.

Tom took me to Hobby Lobby and I rode around in a wheelchair there.

We found the perfect cross. Actually 2.

One to write on and one to stick into the ground to hold the other.

And we found a little chest to put TJ's body in.

(I bought paint pens and wrote all over it.

I also bought some baby looking fabric to wrap him in.)

 

We went home and had cake for our little Sare-Bear.

She told me that for her birthday she wanted her ears pierced.

I was a little surprised because she had gone and tried before, but would decide not to at the last minute. But I told her we would go to the mall the next day and do it if she wanted.

And so we did.

Again, I rode around in a wheelchair.

Sarah picked out her earrings and sat in the chair.

I picked out a pair too.

I picked out what would have been TJ's birthstone.

I had had an early miscarriage years before and Tom bought me the baby's would-be birthstone earrings for Christmas that year. I never take that earring out. It is on the top of my ear.

I wanted to place TJ's next to it.

After Sarah got her ears pierced, it was my turn.

I got up into the chair and had the top of my ear pierced again (and added another to the bottom since I had to buy a pair.) I remember there was pain, but in a way, I welcomed it.

I was so numb and still in such disbelief of what had happened in the last couple of days, I just wanted to feel something.

 

The next morning was TJ's burial.

We went to the cemetery.

Our oldest daughter wanted to come too.

We met our priest and Tom dug a little hole.

We placed TJ in the ground.
Rachel placed a red rose from Sarah's birthday bouquet on top of TJ.
We gently covered him up with the earth.

We prayed.

We cried.

 

I have been back a few times to visit TJ's resting place.

We bought a beautiful angel statue to watch over his body.

I think about him every day.

Anything can trigger my tears.

Seeing anything Christmas-y gets me started.

Seeing someone holding a baby gets me started.

Just walking into my bathroom where I held him gets me started.

I do have a picture of TJ that I took in the car on the way to the doctor's office.
I only look at his picture when I am in our Adoration Chapel at church.
It is the only time I feel I can.
And you know what?
He's beautiful.

 

I'm not sure why this happened, but I know for sure God was with me the whole way.

 

I am thankful that I knew TJ had passed before the day I gave birth to him in my room.

The measurements showed that he had died around 12 weeks. I was 14 weeks + when I had the ultrasound. The next day is when my water broke.

God let me know it was going to happen before it actually did.

Plus, I didn't really have to decide what to do. It happened naturally that next day.

And Tom was with me the whole time.

Since we were so upset by the news from the ultrasound, Tom took the next day off so we could decide what to do. Normally, Tom would be at work almost an hour away.

And that day we were going to go out once his mom got to our home.

Instead, I felt tired and felt the need to take a short nap.

I was in the comfort of my own bed when I woke up and found that my water had broken and contractions started.

I was able to have our baby at home so that we could lay his body to rest.

And I am so grateful that my doctor had me come in right away.

We had caught the nurses and doctor right before they closed and they waited for us to show up so they could make sure I was ok.

I wasn't, but we had already driven for an hour in the storm and so when the ambulance came to get me, we were literally minutes from the hospital.

I was told to stay on bed rest for 2 weeks - and my parents had already planned a 2 week visit starting that weekend. They were here to help take care of me and my family for the whole 2 weeks.

God had good timing.
 

And then I told Tom that I realized something else.

Every Tuesday I am signed up to sit in our church's Adoration Chapel for an hour.

Every Tuesday, I would go and I would pray. I prayed the rosary.

I especially prayed for our baby.

For each day, there is a suggested mystery to pray.

My day was Tuesday. Tuesday is the Sorrowful mystery.

I believe God was preparing me.
 

Our little TJ.

I have had a couple of check ups since TJ was born.
The nurses and receptionists at my doctor's office are wonderful.
Lots of sympathy and hugs.
I have been told that my doctor was very worried about me and that I really scared the 2 nurses that were there that evening.
I have been offered lots of help with my emotions.
I've had lots of support from friends and family.
(A few friends have shared with me their personal experiences with miscarriage.)
Prayer has certainly helped.
I know I am working through depression.
I'm getting there.
And my bloodwork finally came back perfectly normal at my last appointment.
I still have to be on iron for another 6 weeks.
But I think I'm more emotionally tired than physically.
It's going to take time, but I'll be ok.
I miss TJ.
I miss rubbing my tummy.
I shared with Tom that when I had passed out in my doctor's office, I feel God gave me a moment.
I remember not feeling well and trying to sit up.
The next thing I remember is hearing my doctor say I'm ok, just passed out. Then I saw black and white spots as I tried to open my eyes.
But what I felt was different. And this is a little hard to explain.
I felt like I was smiling for a moment. I felt peaceful.
Then suddenly I was being brought back into reality of what was going on around me.
I was like - Oh yea. I'm in my doctor's office and I'm bleeding heavily.
I believe God had given me a moment with TJ.
That's the only way I can explain it.


And I must mention one more blessing.
Cameron has PFAPA and has had fevers every month for over a year.
Cameron did not have a fever in August or in September.
We were given time to focus on ourselves/TJ and our little Cameron was given a welcomed break.
(His fever syndrome did come back in October.)

I am thankful that God carried me through all of this.