TJ

 

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

 

 

Yes. I took some time off from writing on here. But now I have something I wanted to share, because it is about someone who will always be a part of me.

In June, I was late.

At first, I kind of joked around with the idea of being pregnant. Two days late wasn't really that unusual for me. But then there was the very keen sense of smell that started and it kind of hurt when Cameron wanted to nurse. Hmmm.

So when I was two weeks late, I took a test. I already knew in my heart that it was going to be positive. Tears flowed down my face as I watched the line appear. I felt a little scared, but also pure joy. I didn't plan to get pregnant, but I knew it must have been God's plan. I came out of the bathroom and just nodded to my husband. We hugged and he went to work.

(He has a video that he made of himself in his car talking about how he felt that morning.)

I called my OB's office. The receptionist asked me if I had been to them before. I said Yes, it's Christine. I then got a friendly, "Hi!" and then I heard her share with the other women in the room that it was me. They're great :)

The next day I went in for an appointment to confirm that I was pregnant.

I came in with my calendar and showed my doctor how it was impossible that I was pregnant. I had been keeping track of my cycle. He agreed that I couldn't have gotten pregnant on the day I had marked, so we scheduled an ultrasound for a couple of days later to see how far along I was.

 

Tom and I went to the ultrasound. At first, I could see where our baby was, but couldn't see a heartbeat. I felt scared. I might not have planned to have another baby, but I already knew I wanted this child. Then we did an internal ultrasound and we saw our baby's beautiful little heartbeat. The technician told us how far along we were. Tom and I got out our calendar as soon as we got into our car to see when our baby was conceived.

June 4th. Oh. Tom's birthday. Ok.

 

The next day, we went to pick up our oldest sons from Tourette Syndrome camp.

Within a few minutes in the car, my oldest asked me if I was pregnant.

Really?

And so the news was shared with our oldest.

The following day was our nephew's wedding and we went ahead and shared the news with our children and more of our family. We were heading to Wisconsin the following morning for our annual family trip with my side of the family. My brother always offers me a beer when we first arrive to see if I can drink it. I've always been pregnant or carrying a newborn in Wisconsin.

Well, he didn't fail me. My brother handed me a beer first thing and I just smiled and shook my head. He smiled and gave me a hug. And so the news spread more.

My brothers joked around telling Tom to basically stop touching me. I joked with my parents that they had to stop praying for more grandchildren. This was it! :)

 

The rest of the summer was very difficult. I had terrible nausea all day long. I was exhausted.

I was miserable.

I was so emotional. The smallest thing would make me cry.

But I knew it was worth it.

I also went through two very long weeks waiting for blood tests to come back. My tests came back great and then our baby's tests came back too. We had a new genetics test done that showed 1 in about 10,000 chance our baby had one of the more common genetic disorders. We had heard our baby's strong heartbeat at 10 weeks with the Doppler too, so I was able to breathe and start to truly enjoy my pregnancy.

I didn't share the news with many outside of family. I was happy and didn't want to hear anyone's negative opinion or get any strange looks. You don't get the same reaction with telling people you are expecting your 9th child as you do when you are expecting your first, second, or even third.

I loved rubbing my tummy. I dug up all my maternity clothes. I bought a new beautiful maternity dress to wear for special occasions coming up.

At our church we have a Eucharistic Adoration chapel. I am signed up to go every Tuesday for one hour. I would go and just sit and cry. I always think of Adoration as a time for me to share everything with God my Heavenly Father. I'm like a kid just letting it all out. Let Go Let God right?

But during my tears I would tell God "Thank you for knowing what I truly wanted in my heart."

Financially, things are tough and having another child wasn't going to make that easier, but I knew we would be ok. I wanted this child. I was so thankful that God gave us this child. I felt like I didn't have to make the decision, God made it for us.

 

And then came week 14.

 

I went to my doctor appointment. Everything seemed fine until my doctor tried to listen to my baby's heartbeat. He tried for several minutes. I closed my eyes and prayed the Our Father over and over.

I just knew at any moment we were going to hear the heartbeat. I knew it.

But we didn't.

My doctor told me not to worry. My baby was probably just hiding. The place next door that did ultrasounds was already closed, so we set up an ultrasound for the next day - to ease my mind. 

I had been through this before with another one of my children, so I wasn't really worried.

But as soon as I was in my car I called Tom and cried into his voicemail.

I knew everything was going to be fine, but I didn't like having to wait.

Tom went with me the next day.

 

We arrived and I got on the table. The technician said she wouldn't be able to tell us anything, we'd have to wait for our doctor to go over the results.

Tom and I told her that we just wanted to see our baby's heartbeat and we had been through enough ultrasounds that we knew what to look for anyways.

The test started and I stretched my neck as far as I could without moving my tummy off the table. I saw the screen. There was our beautiful baby all curled up. Little arms bent with hands next to his head. Little legs bent with knees next to his tummy.

But there was no heartbeat.

I looked at Tom and we knew.

I said to the technician "There's no heartbeat is there?"

She just whispered "I'm so sorry," and continued to measure our baby.

My hands covered my mouth so that I wouldn't scream.

I tried to lie still so the technician could finish as quickly as possible.

I wanted off that table.

When she was done, she left us alone for a moment.

I don't know if I've ever cried so hard in my life.

Why? Why did God take our child back?

That might sound wrong to question God, but that's what I did.

What had I done? Is it because I had been scared?

Even though I was scared, I had faith that we'd be ok.

I did not expect to lose my baby.

We left and went home.

I felt so empty. My baby was still in me, but no longer living.

We waited for my doctor to call.

 

My doctor called and we talked about what to do.

Our baby measured 12 weeks, so it seemed he had passed 2 weeks before.

My body was not showing any signs of miscarriage.

In fact, at my 14 week appointment my doctor had asked me if I had felt my baby move yet. I said that I thought I had a few days before, but now I realized I couldn't have.

My doctor told me I could make an appointment for a D&C or I could wait and see if my baby would pass at home. I asked if I could keep my baby's body to bury him if I had a D&C.

He told me no.

(I had had a D&C with my first miscarriage 13 years ago. I was 10 weeks and baby measured 7 weeks when I had found out. I let my body have one more week to do it on its own, but it didn't.)

I told him I would talk it over with Tom and call back.

Our children were starting to come home from school.

That was very hard. Lots of quiet tears.

We didn't even have to tell our daughters. Our oldest daughter saw me crying and hugging a couple of friends at the bus stop. She looked at Tom and just said "I know what's going on."

She came outside and tried to tell me what she knew, but just started crying in the middle of her sentence. I hugged her tight. Lots of broken hearts that day.

That night we met with our wonderful priest at our church.

He prayed with us and gave us some comfort.

 

The next day Tom stayed home. We were going to discuss what to do.

He was worried about my health and I was worried about being able to lay our child to rest.

Tom's mother offered to come over and watch our youngest so Tom and I could go out and talk. While waiting for her, I told Tom I was going to take a short nap. I was exhausted.

When I woke up, I realized my water had broken.

I yelled for Tom.

Contractions were starting and I was scared. I started to panic.

Thankfully, I had a friend who had been through this herself and she kept me calm.

We had been sending messages to each other all day.

Tom and I decided to get in our car and drive to the hospital. I called my doctor on the way.

His nurse told us we could go to the ER, but they probably wouldn't do anything. Just observe. She suggested we go back home and just have it happen naturally then call back after.

I told Tom to turn around.

He suggested we drive around a little bit. It was almost time for the school bus and since the bus stop is in front of our home, we didn't really want to get home at the same time as the bus.

I texted my neighbor and asked her text me when the bus had left.

Tom and I got an iced coffee at DD and drove around. My contractions were about every 5 minutes, but weren't too painful.

Soon we got a text and headed back home.

I stood up from the car and felt blood just pour out of me.

Our poor oldest daughter saw me.

I had a towel and wrapped it around me as I went rushing into our home and up the stairs.

I was pacing the bathroom floor when Tom came up. He told me to go sit on the toilet because of all the blood. As soon as I sat down (now this might be too much information for some) I looked down and in my pants was our baby. (I was grateful I didn't have to try to find him in the toilet.)

There he was. Perfect.

I don't know how some people can say that this is not a baby.

He had a little head with a little face.

2 arms with hands and fingers.

2 legs with itty bitty feet and toes.

I just said, "Well, there you are.

Look at those sweet little feet I would have smothered with kisses."

I held him in my hand until Tom brought something to lay him in.

I messaged my friend and she came right over.

She was a huge blessing that day. She had been through this too and she kept us calm.

I called my doctor and he said that he'd stay in the office until we got there. He wanted to make sure the bleeding had stopped and that the placenta had passed too.

We wrapped up our baby and got in our car.

The drive took about an hour because there was a severe thunderstorm.

When we got there, I stood up and again felt a gush of blood.

Thankfully there was only my doctor and 2 nurses at the office at that time.

One nurse saw us out the window and realized I was bleeding very heavily.

She came out to help me get in and I started to cry uncontrollably.

She was very kind and told me not to worry about the blood and she got me to one of the rooms.

My doctor looked at our baby. I told him I was keeping our baby to bury.

I felt very protective of my child.

The nurses helped me onto the table and my doctor started right away to stop the bleeding.

He said it was still pouring out of me so he wanted to get the placenta out.

He did after a few tries. The bleeding seemed to slow down for a moment, but then started up again.

I said I didn't feel well and asked for water. I took some sips, I felt a washcloth on my forehead, and I tried to sit up. Again, I said I didn't feel well.

I don't remember what happened next, but I guess it is the part my husband will never forget.

He said I went completely pale. My eyes rolled back into my head, my body started to tremble, and I was making gurgling sounds. Scariest moment of his life.

The next thing I remember is seeing black and white spots and hearing my doctor reassure everyone that I had just blacked out and was going to be fine, but he was calling for an ambulance.

Before I knew it I had 3 paramedics working on me. One was putting in an IV, one was checking my vitals, and one was asking me questions. They started to wheel me out of the building and I "yelled" back to Tom to make sure he didn't forget someone.

 

I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and Tom followed.
Prayer requests were sent out for us as

we spent many hours in the ER.

My blood levels were low and when I'd try to stand up, my heart rate would go way up very quickly and my body would start to tremble.

I was passing huge blood clots.

(My poor nurse. She was young.)

I was finally admitted and made comfortable in a room.

They continued with the fluids and let me rest.

My blood levels would be checked again in the morning.