"   "

I would have been 6 months pregnant today.

TJ - 2

 

 

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

 

 

The next morning,

I was told I could have a blood transfusion or I could go home and stay on bed rest for 2 weeks and take an iron supplement.

I chose to go home.

This was a special day and I needed to be home with my family.

6 years before, we welcomed our littlest peanut to our family.

Sarah was born almost 7 weeks premature.

She was only 4 lbs, but she was a tough cookie.

Only 12 days in the NICU before we got to take her home.

I wanted to get home and spend the day with her. Celebrate our little blessing.

I tried to focus on Sarah.

 

But the doctor was right.

I was exhausted. I couldn't even go upstairs to my bedroom without panting.

It was kind of hard to go into my room at first. That's where our little TJ was born.

(We named him TJ for Thomas Junior. Tom kept calling him Junior.)

I wanted to go out and buy him a cross to put at his grave.

Tom took me to Hobby Lobby and I rode around in a wheelchair there.

We found the perfect cross. Actually 2.

One to write on and one to stick into the ground to hold the other.

And we found a little chest to put TJ's body in.

(I bought paint pens and wrote all over it.

I also bought some baby looking fabric to wrap him in.)

 

We went home and had cake for our little Sare-Bear.

She told me that for her birthday she wanted her ears pierced.

I was a little surprised because she had gone and tried before, but would decide not to at the last minute. But I told her we would go to the mall the next day and do it if she wanted.

And so we did.

Again, I rode around in a wheelchair.

Sarah picked out her earrings and sat in the chair.

I picked out a pair too.

I picked out what would have been TJ's birthstone.

I had had an early miscarriage years before and Tom bought me the baby's would-be birthstone earrings for Christmas that year. I never take that earring out. It is on the top of my ear.

I wanted to place TJ's next to it.

After Sarah got her ears pierced, it was my turn.

I got up into the chair and had the top of my ear pierced again (and added another to the bottom since I had to buy a pair.) I remember there was pain, but in a way, I welcomed it.

I was so numb and still in such disbelief of what had happened in the last couple of days, I just wanted to feel something.

 

The next morning was TJ's burial.

We went to the cemetery.

Our oldest daughter wanted to come too.

We met our priest and Tom dug a little hole.

We placed TJ in the ground.
Rachel placed a red rose from Sarah's birthday bouquet on top of TJ.
We gently covered him up with the earth.

We prayed.

We cried.

 

I have been back a few times to visit TJ's resting place.

We bought a beautiful angel statue to watch over his body.

I think about him every day.

Anything can trigger my tears.

Seeing anything Christmas-y gets me started.

Seeing someone holding a baby gets me started.

Just walking into my bathroom where I held him gets me started.

I do have a picture of TJ that I took in the car on the way to the doctor's office.
I only look at his picture when I am in our Adoration Chapel at church.
It is the only time I feel I can.
And you know what?
He's beautiful.

 

I'm not sure why this happened, but I know for sure God was with me the whole way.

 

I am thankful that I knew TJ had passed before the day I gave birth to him in my room.

The measurements showed that he had died around 12 weeks. I was 14 weeks + when I had the ultrasound. The next day is when my water broke.

God let me know it was going to happen before it actually did.

Plus, I didn't really have to decide what to do. It happened naturally that next day.

And Tom was with me the whole time.

Since we were so upset by the news from the ultrasound, Tom took the next day off so we could decide what to do. Normally, Tom would be at work almost an hour away.

And that day we were going to go out once his mom got to our home.

Instead, I felt tired and felt the need to take a short nap.

I was in the comfort of my own bed when I woke up and found that my water had broken and contractions started.

I was able to have our baby at home so that we could lay his body to rest.

And I am so grateful that my doctor had me come in right away.

We had caught the nurses and doctor right before they closed and they waited for us to show up so they could make sure I was ok.

I wasn't, but we had already driven for an hour in the storm and so when the ambulance came to get me, we were literally minutes from the hospital.

I was told to stay on bed rest for 2 weeks - and my parents had already planned a 2 week visit starting that weekend. They were here to help take care of me and my family for the whole 2 weeks.

God had good timing.
 

And then I told Tom that I realized something else.

Every Tuesday I am signed up to sit in our church's Adoration Chapel for an hour.

Every Tuesday, I would go and I would pray. I prayed the rosary.

I especially prayed for our baby.

For each day, there is a suggested mystery to pray.

My day was Tuesday. Tuesday is the Sorrowful mystery.

I believe God was preparing me.
 

Our little TJ.

I have had a couple of check ups since TJ was born.
The nurses and receptionists at my doctor's office are wonderful.
Lots of sympathy and hugs.
I have been told that my doctor was very worried about me and that I really scared the 2 nurses that were there that evening.
I have been offered lots of help with my emotions.
I've had lots of support from friends and family.
(A few friends have shared with me their personal experiences with miscarriage.)
Prayer has certainly helped.
I know I am working through depression.
I'm getting there.
And my bloodwork finally came back perfectly normal at my last appointment.
I still have to be on iron for another 6 weeks.
But I think I'm more emotionally tired than physically.
It's going to take time, but I'll be ok.
I miss TJ.
I miss rubbing my tummy.
I shared with Tom that when I had passed out in my doctor's office, I feel God gave me a moment.
I remember not feeling well and trying to sit up.
The next thing I remember is hearing my doctor say I'm ok, just passed out. Then I saw black and white spots as I tried to open my eyes.
But what I felt was different. And this is a little hard to explain.
I felt like I was smiling for a moment. I felt peaceful.
Then suddenly I was being brought back into reality of what was going on around me.
I was like - Oh yea. I'm in my doctor's office and I'm bleeding heavily.
I believe God had given me a moment with TJ.
That's the only way I can explain it.


And I must mention one more blessing.
Cameron has PFAPA and has had fevers every month for over a year.
Cameron did not have a fever in August or in September.
We were given time to focus on ourselves/TJ and our little Cameron was given a welcomed break.
(His fever syndrome did come back in October.)

I am thankful that God carried me through all of this.

 



TJ

 

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

 

 

Yes. I took some time off from writing on here. But now I have something I wanted to share, because it is about someone who will always be a part of me.

In June, I was late.

At first, I kind of joked around with the idea of being pregnant. Two days late wasn't really that unusual for me. But then there was the very keen sense of smell that started and it kind of hurt when Cameron wanted to nurse. Hmmm.

So when I was two weeks late, I took a test. I already knew in my heart that it was going to be positive. Tears flowed down my face as I watched the line appear. I felt a little scared, but also pure joy. I didn't plan to get pregnant, but I knew it must have been God's plan. I came out of the bathroom and just nodded to my husband. We hugged and he went to work.

(He has a video that he made of himself in his car talking about how he felt that morning.)

I called my OB's office. The receptionist asked me if I had been to them before. I said Yes, it's Christine. I then got a friendly, "Hi!" and then I heard her share with the other women in the room that it was me. They're great :)

The next day I went in for an appointment to confirm that I was pregnant.

I came in with my calendar and showed my doctor how it was impossible that I was pregnant. I had been keeping track of my cycle. He agreed that I couldn't have gotten pregnant on the day I had marked, so we scheduled an ultrasound for a couple of days later to see how far along I was.

 

Tom and I went to the ultrasound. At first, I could see where our baby was, but couldn't see a heartbeat. I felt scared. I might not have planned to have another baby, but I already knew I wanted this child. Then we did an internal ultrasound and we saw our baby's beautiful little heartbeat. The technician told us how far along we were. Tom and I got out our calendar as soon as we got into our car to see when our baby was conceived.

June 4th. Oh. Tom's birthday. Ok.

 

The next day, we went to pick up our oldest sons from Tourette Syndrome camp.

Within a few minutes in the car, my oldest asked me if I was pregnant.

Really?

And so the news was shared with our oldest.

The following day was our nephew's wedding and we went ahead and shared the news with our children and more of our family. We were heading to Wisconsin the following morning for our annual family trip with my side of the family. My brother always offers me a beer when we first arrive to see if I can drink it. I've always been pregnant or carrying a newborn in Wisconsin.

Well, he didn't fail me. My brother handed me a beer first thing and I just smiled and shook my head. He smiled and gave me a hug. And so the news spread more.

My brothers joked around telling Tom to basically stop touching me. I joked with my parents that they had to stop praying for more grandchildren. This was it! :)

 

The rest of the summer was very difficult. I had terrible nausea all day long. I was exhausted.

I was miserable.

I was so emotional. The smallest thing would make me cry.

But I knew it was worth it.

I also went through two very long weeks waiting for blood tests to come back. My tests came back great and then our baby's tests came back too. We had a new genetics test done that showed 1 in about 10,000 chance our baby had one of the more common genetic disorders. We had heard our baby's strong heartbeat at 10 weeks with the Doppler too, so I was able to breathe and start to truly enjoy my pregnancy.

I didn't share the news with many outside of family. I was happy and didn't want to hear anyone's negative opinion or get any strange looks. You don't get the same reaction with telling people you are expecting your 9th child as you do when you are expecting your first, second, or even third.

I loved rubbing my tummy. I dug up all my maternity clothes. I bought a new beautiful maternity dress to wear for special occasions coming up.

At our church we have a Eucharistic Adoration chapel. I am signed up to go every Tuesday for one hour. I would go and just sit and cry. I always think of Adoration as a time for me to share everything with God my Heavenly Father. I'm like a kid just letting it all out. Let Go Let God right?

But during my tears I would tell God "Thank you for knowing what I truly wanted in my heart."

Financially, things are tough and having another child wasn't going to make that easier, but I knew we would be ok. I wanted this child. I was so thankful that God gave us this child. I felt like I didn't have to make the decision, God made it for us.

 

And then came week 14.

 

I went to my doctor appointment. Everything seemed fine until my doctor tried to listen to my baby's heartbeat. He tried for several minutes. I closed my eyes and prayed the Our Father over and over.

I just knew at any moment we were going to hear the heartbeat. I knew it.

But we didn't.

My doctor told me not to worry. My baby was probably just hiding. The place next door that did ultrasounds was already closed, so we set up an ultrasound for the next day - to ease my mind. 

I had been through this before with another one of my children, so I wasn't really worried.

But as soon as I was in my car I called Tom and cried into his voicemail.

I knew everything was going to be fine, but I didn't like having to wait.

Tom went with me the next day.

 

We arrived and I got on the table. The technician said she wouldn't be able to tell us anything, we'd have to wait for our doctor to go over the results.

Tom and I told her that we just wanted to see our baby's heartbeat and we had been through enough ultrasounds that we knew what to look for anyways.

The test started and I stretched my neck as far as I could without moving my tummy off the table. I saw the screen. There was our beautiful baby all curled up. Little arms bent with hands next to his head. Little legs bent with knees next to his tummy.

But there was no heartbeat.

I looked at Tom and we knew.

I said to the technician "There's no heartbeat is there?"

She just whispered "I'm so sorry," and continued to measure our baby.

My hands covered my mouth so that I wouldn't scream.

I tried to lie still so the technician could finish as quickly as possible.

I wanted off that table.

When she was done, she left us alone for a moment.

I don't know if I've ever cried so hard in my life.

Why? Why did God take our child back?

That might sound wrong to question God, but that's what I did.

What had I done? Is it because I had been scared?

Even though I was scared, I had faith that we'd be ok.

I did not expect to lose my baby.

We left and went home.

I felt so empty. My baby was still in me, but no longer living.

We waited for my doctor to call.

 

My doctor called and we talked about what to do.

Our baby measured 12 weeks, so it seemed he had passed 2 weeks before.

My body was not showing any signs of miscarriage.

In fact, at my 14 week appointment my doctor had asked me if I had felt my baby move yet. I said that I thought I had a few days before, but now I realized I couldn't have.

My doctor told me I could make an appointment for a D&C or I could wait and see if my baby would pass at home. I asked if I could keep my baby's body to bury him if I had a D&C.

He told me no.

(I had had a D&C with my first miscarriage 13 years ago. I was 10 weeks and baby measured 7 weeks when I had found out. I let my body have one more week to do it on its own, but it didn't.)

I told him I would talk it over with Tom and call back.

Our children were starting to come home from school.

That was very hard. Lots of quiet tears.

We didn't even have to tell our daughters. Our oldest daughter saw me crying and hugging a couple of friends at the bus stop. She looked at Tom and just said "I know what's going on."

She came outside and tried to tell me what she knew, but just started crying in the middle of her sentence. I hugged her tight. Lots of broken hearts that day.

That night we met with our wonderful priest at our church.

He prayed with us and gave us some comfort.

 

The next day Tom stayed home. We were going to discuss what to do.

He was worried about my health and I was worried about being able to lay our child to rest.

Tom's mother offered to come over and watch our youngest so Tom and I could go out and talk. While waiting for her, I told Tom I was going to take a short nap. I was exhausted.

When I woke up, I realized my water had broken.

I yelled for Tom.

Contractions were starting and I was scared. I started to panic.

Thankfully, I had a friend who had been through this herself and she kept me calm.

We had been sending messages to each other all day.

Tom and I decided to get in our car and drive to the hospital. I called my doctor on the way.

His nurse told us we could go to the ER, but they probably wouldn't do anything. Just observe. She suggested we go back home and just have it happen naturally then call back after.

I told Tom to turn around.

He suggested we drive around a little bit. It was almost time for the school bus and since the bus stop is in front of our home, we didn't really want to get home at the same time as the bus.

I texted my neighbor and asked her text me when the bus had left.

Tom and I got an iced coffee at DD and drove around. My contractions were about every 5 minutes, but weren't too painful.

Soon we got a text and headed back home.

I stood up from the car and felt blood just pour out of me.

Our poor oldest daughter saw me.

I had a towel and wrapped it around me as I went rushing into our home and up the stairs.

I was pacing the bathroom floor when Tom came up. He told me to go sit on the toilet because of all the blood. As soon as I sat down (now this might be too much information for some) I looked down and in my pants was our baby. (I was grateful I didn't have to try to find him in the toilet.)

There he was. Perfect.

I don't know how some people can say that this is not a baby.

He had a little head with a little face.

2 arms with hands and fingers.

2 legs with itty bitty feet and toes.

I just said, "Well, there you are.

Look at those sweet little feet I would have smothered with kisses."

I held him in my hand until Tom brought something to lay him in.

I messaged my friend and she came right over.

She was a huge blessing that day. She had been through this too and she kept us calm.

I called my doctor and he said that he'd stay in the office until we got there. He wanted to make sure the bleeding had stopped and that the placenta had passed too.

We wrapped up our baby and got in our car.

The drive took about an hour because there was a severe thunderstorm.

When we got there, I stood up and again felt a gush of blood.

Thankfully there was only my doctor and 2 nurses at the office at that time.

One nurse saw us out the window and realized I was bleeding very heavily.

She came out to help me get in and I started to cry uncontrollably.

She was very kind and told me not to worry about the blood and she got me to one of the rooms.

My doctor looked at our baby. I told him I was keeping our baby to bury.

I felt very protective of my child.

The nurses helped me onto the table and my doctor started right away to stop the bleeding.

He said it was still pouring out of me so he wanted to get the placenta out.

He did after a few tries. The bleeding seemed to slow down for a moment, but then started up again.

I said I didn't feel well and asked for water. I took some sips, I felt a washcloth on my forehead, and I tried to sit up. Again, I said I didn't feel well.

I don't remember what happened next, but I guess it is the part my husband will never forget.

He said I went completely pale. My eyes rolled back into my head, my body started to tremble, and I was making gurgling sounds. Scariest moment of his life.

The next thing I remember is seeing black and white spots and hearing my doctor reassure everyone that I had just blacked out and was going to be fine, but he was calling for an ambulance.

Before I knew it I had 3 paramedics working on me. One was putting in an IV, one was checking my vitals, and one was asking me questions. They started to wheel me out of the building and I "yelled" back to Tom to make sure he didn't forget someone.

 

I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and Tom followed.
Prayer requests were sent out for us as

we spent many hours in the ER.

My blood levels were low and when I'd try to stand up, my heart rate would go way up very quickly and my body would start to tremble.

I was passing huge blood clots.

(My poor nurse. She was young.)

I was finally admitted and made comfortable in a room.

They continued with the fluids and let me rest.

My blood levels would be checked again in the morning.

 

 



PFAPA

"Your first breath, took mine away."

November - thankful for my family and all my blessings. Celebrated our sweet Noah's birthday.

December - Christmas is my favorite time of year. This year had its unplanned moments, but still enjoyed my family and all God has blessed us with.

So I haven't blogged much. 

Our sweet littlest one has kept us busy.

Cameron has a fever syndrome called pfapa.

We are trying to get to the right doctor for an actual diagnosis, but all symptoms point to it.

We spent a very scary night in the ER recently and I have learned how important it is to be your child's advocate. 

Cameron has been having fevers since March.

He has had a ton of bloodwork done as well.

We went to an infectious disease doctor for more info. On our 2nd visit with her, Cam was on his 6th day of a fever. She sent us for bloodwork.

A couple of hours after being home, the doctor called us and told us we needed to pack a bag and go to the Children's Hospital downtown. 

I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe.

I gave the phone to my husband.

We sent out many prayer requests and headed downtown. 

Once there, we quickly found out the doctors there had never heard of pfapa. 

They brought up more bloodwork, doing a heart ultrasound,  doing a spinal tap, looking at juvenile arthritis, looking at multiple sclerosis. 

All scary stuff.

I know everyone's prayers gave me strength and courage to speak up.

I told the first doctor about pfapa. I took out my "Cameron diary."

Four different doctors looked at Cam. I believe they did some quick research on pfapa because they started looking for symptoms. They saw red tonsils and a sore in his mouth.

Signs of pfapa.

I told them he needed to see a rheumatologist.  They called her and after telling her everything I had said and what they had observed, she told them it sounded like pfapa.

She wanted to see us outpatient.

One doctor came in and told Tom and I we were very intelligent and knowledgeable about what is going on with our son.

It had been over 4 hours at the hospital, but in the end our son had not been put through any unnecessary tests.

I was again thankful and knew everyone's prayers had helped these doctors stop and listen to a mother.

We were discharged.

Next day, Cam had a low fever all day, but didn't need any medication. 

By the following day, fever was gone.

Now we wait for the rheumatologist to call and fit us in for an appointment. 

Boo Humbug

"A year from now you will wish you would have started today. "

October has come and gone.

We celebrated Leah's 7th birthday.

Leah really wanted a camera this year - so since we decided not to

do a Halloween/Birthday party - we got her a nice one.

It is hot pink of course.

And she uses it all the time!!!

Someday when she is a famous photographer she can tell about her 7th birthday and getting her first nice camera :o)

We didn't do too much for Halloween this year.

This was a Boo Humbug Halloween.

Usually we go all out decorating and have a costume / birthday party.

This year - we just weren't in the spirit of it all.

A difficult time around here.

I've had my issues - including some health ones.

Cameron has his possible fever syndrome.

And most recently, my fav cousin passed away suddenly.

We did make a bunch of chili and I did take our children trick or treating.

Our girls put together their fairy costumes from last year.

Our 2 oldest boys didn't dress up.

Brandon stayed home to pass out treats and Ethan came with me to help watch our youngest 6.

Noah put on an old grim reaper costume.

Jacob wore the Frankenstein costume I made Ethan when he was little.

Cameron wore the Werewolf costume I made Noah when he was little.

(Jacob and Cameron also wore Batman and Robin - which were Brandon and Ethan's old costumes. Jake and Cam wore them for a little parent-tot Halloween party I took our youngest 6 too.)

So now we are into November.

I will celebrate another year.

We will be Thankful for all we have.

And we will celebrate Noah.

The leaves have changed and the world looks beautiful.

I am ready for some beautiful changes myself  :o)

Catch-Up

"In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind."

It has been a long time....

I always try to at least get on when we celebrate one of our children's

birthdays, but I let one get by me.

Ethan turned 14 in September!

We got up and sang to him with a candle stuck in his breakfast.

Then I surprised him by taking him to a movie.

House at the End of the Street.

We like to watch scary movies together and this was the first time we went to

one in the theater together.

It was great. We enjoyed the movie and just hanging out together.

Then Tommy surprised Ethan with going out for sushi for dinner.

It is so nice to have teenagers that still like to hang out with their parents.

The following weekend our daughter Rachel was a Munchkin in the

High School's version of The Wizard of Oz.

She is in 4th grade and tried out by singing and dancing.

She did great! She was so excited to be in a play.

I think that was her first of many to come.

She also moved up in Tumbling class by doing 5 back flips in a row.

Leah and Sarah are in Tumbling too.

This is Sarah's first time and she loves it!

It is sweet to see the three of them together on the Tumbling floor.

They will pass by each other and give a high five.

They practice a lot! And it has really brought them even closer.

Brandon is taking the PSAT this weekend.

Yikes! Time is flying!

He is such a talented and creative artist. I pray he gets to use

what he loves to do to make a career.

His newest creation was designing a Movie Poster in class.

The class voted for the top 2 and the teacher said he was going to make

a real Movie Poster for the winners.

Well, he won! I can't wait to see Brandon's poster!

It's great that his classmates appreciate his talent too.

Noah is having an awesome year at school.

Next big project is the Science Fair.

He loves Science. I look forward to seeing what he comes up with.

Jacob finally got his 3 yr pictures done.

So handsome!

He had to wear his cowboy boots of course.

Cameron had another fever episode.

We are taking him to a Specialist next week.

Looks like Cam might have a Periodic Fever Syndrome called PFAPA.

Hopefully we get the answers we need next week.

Right now, he is battling croup.

Tommy and I got our physicals done. We are all good!
But the next week I did break out with Shingles.
Not fun.
Guess I let stress get to me too much.
Lots of changes in my life in the last year.
Some have been hard to get through and accept.
Let Go Let God - right?
I also just went in for my follow-up Echocardiogram.

Last time it showed Prolapse Valve with mild to moderate regurgitation.

Doctor wanted to check if the regurgitation had changed.

I'm not on medication or anything - but it did change.

For the better!

Somehow it is only mild this time.

No progression - actually appears that I have improved.

Well, giving that one to God and all of my family and dear friends

that have prayed for me. God is good.

Tommy is doing well.

We are working like crazy to clear out the basement.

There is so much stuff down there!

We've been donating a ton.

This weekend we get to watch Ethan in his school's musical.

Thoroughly Modern Millie.

I have never seen this one. I am excited!

I always enjoy the musicals.

Sarah Smile

"Baby hair with a woman's eyes.
I can feel you watching in the night.
All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight.
When I feel cold you warm me.
When I feel I can't go on you come and hold me.
It's you...... and me forever.

Sara smile.
Won't you smile a while for me?

If you feel like leaving you know you can go.
But why don't you stay until tomorrow?
And if you want to be free, all you have to do is say so.
When you feel cold, I'll warm you.
And when you feel you can't go on, I'll come and hold you.
It's you.... and me forever.

Sara smile.
Won't you smile a while for me?"

 

On August 31st we celebrated our little "monkey's" 5th birthday.

It is amazing to see how big she is now.

Sarah was born almost 7 weeks early and was only 4 pounds.

When she was born, it was scary.

It was hard to leave her in the NICU.

But now Tom and I think back to those days Sarah was in the hospital

and we have only good memories.

Tom remembers going there every morning before work to rock Sarah and give her her breakfast bottle.

I remember going every mid-morning to nurse her and

every night to nurse her and tuck her in for the night.

It was exhausting, but also a very special time to bond.

Sara Smile by Hall and Oates triggers these memories too.

That song played several times while Tom and I both sat

in the rocking chair with our Sarah at the hospital.

One of the nurses told us that she bets that's the song that will play

for the daddy-daughter dance at Sarah's wedding someday.

What a beautiful (happy-teary) thought.

 

 Tom and Sarah - just home

Tom and Sarah - 5 years later